Upstairs Downstairs

So Andrew Strauss has opted to stay in the selectors eyeline by playing for Northern Districts whilst the England team are in New Zealand.

Apart from wondering whether Mark Ramprakash is going to follow suit and appear in the NZTV version of 'Celebrities Poncing around in Leotards', my first thought was to consider how Strauss's decision had gone down at home...

SCENE - The Strauss bedroom. Andrew Strauss (played by David Cameron) is fiddling with something on the four poster bed. In the background a servant (played by Edward Fox) glides noiselessly around packing clothes into a large suitcase. A maid (played by Cathy Burke) is on her knees cleaning out the fire place.

AS - "Don't forget to pack my dinner jacket will you Brearley, and Miss Graveney, will you see that my spats are clean?"

ENTER - Mrs Strauss (played by Miranda Richardson as Queen Elizabeth in Blackadder)

MRS S - "What are you doing Andy Pandy?"

AS - (Turning round suddenly) "Erm, I'm just oiling my bat Bunnykins''

MRS S - "That's a strange euphamism - oh, so you are! Why's that? In September you definately said that 'since that snotty little oik Peter Moores has left me out of the squad I'm not going to play again until April so yah boo sucks to him!' Had you forgotten?"

AS - ''I know I did Bunnykins, but things have moved on - I'm going to go and play abroad for a bit''

MRS S - ''Oh, Andy Pandy, you promised. It's ages since we had some time on our own, and there's so much that needs doing around the house - the servants wing needs a new roof and the stable block hasn't been painted for years.''

AS - ''But Honey Bunny - it's abroad!''

MRS S - ''Oh, well, that's true I suppose. Whereabouts Andy Pandy? Cape Town? The nightclubs there are fantastic... or Antigua, I love the beaches there.. or even Sydney - I know you said it's full of uncouth, foul mouthed, smelly sorts, but I've heard the shopping's really good.''

AS - (Nervously) ''Erm, Northern Districts''

MRS S - ''Oh, you mean Finchley? Highgate?''

AS - ''No, Northern Districts in New Zealand, Sweetums.''

(EXIT Mrs Strauss, screaming)

AS - (Turning to the Servant) - ''Finish the packing would you please Brearley - and when you've done that, could you start painting the stable block.''