Ricky Just Lost That Number

Scene, a Test Match sometime in the near future. Australia have lost the toss and are fielding. They get an immediate psychological boost through being back in white clothing, rather than the figure hugging 'Asda check out girl' one day garb, but gradually that positive feeling starts to recede as they struggle in the field.

Let's pay a visit to the cavernous cerebellum of Ricky Ponting for a verbatim transcript of his thoughts...

Hmmm (chew gum) - 232 for 1, and they're going at five an over (chew again). Time to put (chew) the brakes on. (Chew, chew again, chew, poke gum out of mouth, chew, chew) Stuey's buggered (chew), Bretts been spraying it around (chew chew) like a drunk pissing in an alley (chew chew chew - swallow saliva build up, chew chew) and Bracken's not getting a (chew) look in 'til he gets a f***** haircut. (Chew, chew, chew, roll gum into ball with tongue, chew, chew, chew) Now (chew) where did I hide (chew) McGrath.... where is he, where's the (chew) bugger hiding? (Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew chew.....)

"Hey, Gillie - has Glenn gone off for a slash?"

Gilchrist looks perplexed - "Sorry Skipper, Glenn retired last summer.... remember?"

Shit, I'd forgotten. (chew chew, poke gum out of mouth, chew) That's a bit of a blow - I reckon we're really going to miss him. Oh well - I suppose there's always (chew, chew, grind teeth, chew) Text-Boy....

''Start getting loose Warney''

A baffled Gilchrist again "Erm, that's Matty Hayden at slip Skipper - Warney retired last summer too...."

Damn, forgot again (chew, chew, chew, chew, swallow saliva, roll gum between lips like it's a cigarette, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, keep chewing, chew.....) Now we're screwed.....

There's a strong rumour doing the rounds in Australia that a lot of players were tipped off years before the event and collected a fortune after the Sydney Test by having bet that McGrath and Warne would retire at the same time. All except Punter who, based on a tip from Merv Hughes, had staked the farm and trebled it up with the Pope appearing naked in St Peter's Square on Easter Sunday with a daffodil shoved up his arse.

The Ponting family have been looking for a new (cheap) home ever since.