Side 2 - I Walk on Gilded Splinters (23:25)

Much mirth and merriment here in the TRSM pleasure dome at the news that Michael Clarke and Simon Katich found time after yet another ODI defeat against New Zealand to ‘drop the gloves’ and indulge in a bout of hair pulling and face scratching.

The argument itself isn’t really a surprise – I reckon that there are many such altercations in every international changing room – not necessarily descending to handbags like this, but certainly heated words are probably exchanged at regular intervals. It surely goes with the territory – high pressure situation and personal performance clearly on display for all to see, rather than in other team games where the personal can be more easily subsumed into the overall team effort.

No, it’s the reason given for the spat that intrigues me – to quote the Guardian,

“Clarke was reportedly unhappy that the team song was not sung quickly enough to spend part of the evening with his family and friends.”

Now - I’ve always thought that the Australian team song is ‘Under the Southern Cross’ – the lyrics to which are: -

"Under the Southern Cross I stand,
A sprig of wattle in my hand,
A product of our native land,
Australia, you f***ing beauty"

(Happy if one of my Aussie readers wants to correct me on this)

That’s twenty three words. How long does that take to sing – ten seconds tops?

So what’s happened? Has the team song been changed to Handel’s Messiah or Alice’s Restaurant? Or maybe the musical masturbatory workout namechecked in the title of this post? Or has someone produced a remixed version of Southern Cross, with extended guitar work out by Brett Lee and an interminable, Ginger Bakeresque, drum solo performed by Brad ‘Sticks’ Haddin bashing two stumps on the massage couch.

Or maybe someone, possibly Katich, continually forgot the words so they ended up with farcical scenes of continual ‘from the top again lads’ instructions as Simple Simon lustily sang about ‘springs of bottle’ and ‘native sand.’