Thursday, December 07, 2006

Mystery Solved

In a previous post I mentioned that TRSM has it's own 'Deep Throat' - a shadowy figure based in Earls Court who is passing us material from the world of ex Australian skipper, Steve Waugh. I thought long and hard about the codename for the source - 'Debbie Does Dallas' seemed a bit unwieldy, so I plumped for 5X.

The latest communication from 5X arrived in the post this morning. Inside the usual grimy envelope (that smelled strongly of champagne) was a cassette tape with a handwritten note - 'Listen to this you pommy b****** - it explains everything'. How could I refuse an invitation like that?!

It soon becomes clear that it was a recording from a bugging device that appears to have been planted in Steve Waugh's Adelaide hotel room. There are some telephone conversations, obviously one-ended, between Waugh and various people, including James Baker (Waugh giving his consent for the release of the Iraq Study Group Report) and Tony Blair (Waugh suggesting the renewal of Trident is a stupid idea, and then getting exasperated at Blair's refusal to back-down. I have some sympathy with Steve on that one)

Just when I started thinking that this was all very interesting, but not exactly earth shattering or worth posting on a cricket blog, there was a long period of silence, interupted by the sound of someone apparently moving furniture around the room, and then the light being turned off. After more silence,


(Knock on the door)

SW - 'Come in'

(Door opens, someone walks in, then bumps into furniture followed by audible swearing - an oddly recognisable South African accent)

Visitor - 'Any chance of some more light in here?'

SW - 'I can see perfectly.'

(Another bump, more swearing and then quiet)

SW - 'Sit down'

Visitor - 'What do you want?'

SW - 'Sit down Mr Fletcher'

(Amazed, I leant forward and turned the volume up...)

DF - 'I'd rather stand'

SW - 'So be it.'

DF - 'What do you want?'

SW - 'Your lads took a bit of a beating at Brisbane'.

DF - 'Agreed, but we're ready now - it's going to be a different story from now on - Monty Panesar & Saj Mahmood are ready - we're firing on all cylinders from now on.'

SW - 'It was your team selection I wanted to discuss actually'.

DF- 'What about it?'

SW- 'I want you to pick Ashley Giles again for the Second Test.'

DF - (Shouting) 'WHAT?? Are you completely mad? That's an insane suggestion. I'll get lynched. Flintoff will kill me.'

SW - 'Well, that's your problem - I want Giles in.'

DF -' No - can't do it -anyway, why the hell should I listen to you?'

SW - 'I think maybe you need a little persausion...'

(Sound of an envelope being opened, and some photographs being laid out on a desk)

SW - 'Maybe these will help you make your mind up.'

(Sound of lamp being clicked on, split second of silence, and then an audible gasp)

DF - (In a low voice) - 'My God, that's sick. Where did you get them?'

SW - 'I have my sources Mr Fletcher'.

DF - (Desparate) 'it's not me it's.... it's not.....'

SW - 'It may not be you Mr Fletcher, but it's a remarkable likeness - don't you agree?'

DF - 'I've got nothing to say - I'm going to the police, this is blackmail - it's a fit up - that's not me... 've never done....that.....'

SW - 'Don't waste your time with the police - The local chief is a friend of mine.'

DF - 'Oh God - they're sick.... you're sick....'

SW - 'Imagine what the press will say about these Mr Fletcher - and the Vice Squad - and I suggest the RSPCA might have a few strong words too.'

(Long period of silence...)

SW - 'Now, about your team selection.'

DF - (After a deep sigh) 'How about just Jones and Anderson?'

SW - 'A nice offer, and of course, very welcome, but not good enough - either Giles is in, or these....'pictures' (element of distaste in his voice) get circulated to some friends of mine in the media.'

DF - (Resigned voice) 'Ok - Giles is in.'

SW - 'Thank you.'


That explains it then. There had to be a rational explanation - otherwise you'd have to assume that Duncan Fletcher has lost his senses.


Tony.T said...

I take it the pictures had Fletcher eating "panda steaks" off the back of a naked TV game-show hostess.

Yorkshire Soul said...

But without Gilo we might not get those vital extra 14 runs!